Back at it....

Well, after six months of going up and down the same five pounds, I am back at it. I wish I was one of those people who dropped 100 pounds in a year. It looks like it will be 3 years! Oh well, I am heading in the right direction.

I keep going in a cycle. I eat strict Paleo, feel fantastic, and then start giving in to little treats here in there. Before I know it, I am totally off Paleo, gaining weight and feeling AWFUL. This really is self-abuse and I am looking at the root cause of what I am doing. I want off this carousel.

I feel the fit girl inside of me. Despite being stuck weight-wise, I go to CrossFit 3-4 times a week without fail. I feel the muscle. It is there. I am strong. My cardio is a lot better. With the last 60 pounds gone, I will be unstoppable. But, I HAVE TO GET THE WEIGHT OFF.

So, I am going to blog and hopefully you can help me get through those valleys.

Months away

Well, I haven't really blogged in months. Work has been busy. CrossFit has continued, but my diet has been soft. I am staying within a 5 pound range, but I don't like it. I am ready to complete the weight loss portion of this journey.

Honestly, not eating the proper diet and CrossFitting is really frustrating. It just feels like you are beating your body up. You don't recover as quickly. You don't gain strength as quickly. You don't see results.

I am not an inherently athletic person. Let me rephrase that. I hate almost all physical activity. If I had my druthers, I would sit on my keister all day long and watch TV and eat lavish meals with people. That is the true Bethany. However, that lifestyle makes me feel like dog poo. My back hurts. I quickly gain weight. I don't feel good about myself.

So, I CrossFit and eat Paleo (and I am talking ideally right now) because of how it makes me feel. I love the people, too. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I love seeing my body change. I love being able to walk uphill and up stairs with no problems. I like fitting in airline seats. I like being able to look in the mirror at the hair dressers without going into a major funk. I like the results of being athletic. I just don't like the actual activity. There is a point in every workout when I think, "I really don't like this, I should quit and do something I like."

However, nothing else gave me these results. Not the elipitical or treadmill or body pump or zumba. So, I continue and pray that when I get to my goal I will hit a "CrossFitters high" where all the pain and huffing and puffing will feel amazing. It could happen.

So, I am writing this now because the New Year is two weeks away. I will start blogging, again. I will take more pictures. I will journal the last half of this transformation. I'm ready for it. I feel that focus kicking back in. Let's do this!

No More Scale!

I am giving my scale to a friend so that I will stay off of it for the next seven weeks. I am doing a Paleo challenge with the gym and I find myself on it morning, noon and night. I won't lie, even when I am not on a challenge I am on it every morning.

Unfortunately, the scale is once again dictating my worth for the day. I hate it. If I am up a pound, I am defeated. If I am down a pound, I am elated. One or two pounds can change how I feel about myself for the day. This is ridiculous. Sure, the scale needs to continue to head in the right direction and it can be a gauge to let me know if I am fueling properly to reach my goals, but it should be a long term gauge - not a daily gauge.

I have these weird mind games I play. If I am really good at work, I come home and weigh. If I am down below where I was in the morning, I eat a little bit more than I normally would have - like extra nuts or some coconut ice cream. If I am up, I don't let myself have those things. It's very dysfunctional. I have long term goals. It is taking a long time to reach them, but I am fairly sure it is taking longer because of this behavior.

I live a really balanced life now and my body is responding, but this scale thing is the last thing that is "weighing me down". If I am eating healthy and exercising, I should only really need to weigh once a month to make sure I am on track. This is forever, not just an 8 week diet.

Ok, I had to get that out!

The Boo-TAY Shots

Yea, so..these shots were taken a couple of months apart...not sure if I see a difference..what is the DEAL with the hips?! Come on body, start burning some fat from that area.

One-der Land

All I want right now is to get out of the 200s weight wise. Forget the Crossfit fitness standards - I want my frickin' weight below 200. Only 14 pounds to go. I can DO this. I can DO this.

Everyday Paleo

Please ignore the hot and sweaty look. What I would like you to notice is the SPAGHETTI STRAP dress. Stop eating spaghetti and wear it instead! If you had said I would dare wear one of these a year ago, I would have said, "Yeah, right." But, there I am. You can't see much in this picture, but it is proof.

I am going to start to post more pictures. I still have a hard time with pictures because I still have it hard wired to avoid cameras. It is hard to have a blog with just a few pictures - BORING! Here is another one from a Paleo night at Crossfit (I'm in the middle with the tank top):

I am continuing this journey, but it is also with the help of some incredible resources. One of these is Everyday Paleo (www.everydaypaleo.com). When I thought I might die of the boredom of grilled protein, veg and a tiny amount of fruit, in came Sarah's amazing recipes. They have been a lifesaver because this foodie wouldn't have lasted long without some variety.

I have tried the Marvelous Meatballs (and my Crossfit owner wants to pay me to make these for him they are so good)...the Speedy Peppers...the Thai Curry dish...all are good. Take a gander when you get a minute.

Continuing on this journey....

Paleo Challenge

I am almost done with a 48 day Paleo Challenge. I haven't been perfect. I had my birthday and the 4th of July in there...and frankly, life happened.

I was powering through and now the scale is going up/down/up/down. Agggh! I am happy I have made progress...but I really need to say no to all socializing and meals out to really get some good momentum..However, I am not sure I want to live my life that way - at home, monitoring my food intake all the time.

I so want to be at my goal, but sometimes I get so bored with the life it will take to get me there. I wish I had someone living with me who was doing this with me- that would make it more fun and would help with the socializing element. Maybe I can charge rent and take in a person who wants to do a 30 day Paleo challenge. I will cook and they can pay for their food and rent for a month..it will be like the Biggest Loser ranch...only the Paleo ranch. That sounds like fun!

Strange Phase

I am in a super strange phase. I am interested to hear if other people go through this phase when losing a lot of weight. I am in that phase where everything is off. My arms have a bit of definition, tons of muscle below the fat, and still a layer of fat on top. As I lose, it goes from strange places so I look lumpy. It isn't that I looked better with more weight on...it was just that my skin was smoother - now it is strange and lumpy. Some of the lumps are muscles and some are where the fat has vacated and the body has yet to refine.

Everything just feels off. I have no sense of my body anymore. It's great to go shopping, but it is also hard. What looked good at one time really doesn't look that great anymore. I have no concept of what size I am. I look for XXL in the regular sizes when I am actually a large. Clothes that show my form (not obscenely, but are more fitted) shock me. They feel odd. Pieces of clothing that never got too big (like underwear, slips, etc...) are now too big. My glasses don't look right anymore and my hairstyle is off. Everything is changing and it is both fun and exciting, but also just plain weird. I never really thought of how it would REALLY feel to change.

I don't think I look that much different, but I am on the edge of becoming a completely different person physically. Fit. Toned. Confident. After a year of Crossfit, I know that is who I am mentally and it is fun to see the body catching up with it. I can't wait to leave the 200s for good. I am hoping with this challenge that I can be out of them by the end of Summer. Once I break that barrier, I will be sliding downhill to goal...

It's funny...it's like lifting. If you count up all the weight everytime you add weight, you psych yourself out. Instead, just add 5 or 10 pounds depending on how the previous weight felt and let the chips fall where they may. It's the same with the weight loss. I had to stop focusing on my final goal months ago. Now it is just the 5 or 10 pounds I am on - and then I can look back and say, "WOW! I lost 100 pounds." Oh yes, I also want to hit 50 pounds because my sister will the come visit me and take me shopping! YAHOOOO!!!

Year over Year Comparison

Here I am deadlifting last year in June....



Here I am deadlifting today.


The angles are different so it is really hard to tell a difference....I obviously like blue shirts...and the angle is like at hip level on the second one...I need a do over shot!

I Am Still Here!!!

Don't worry, I haven't fallen off the wagon or the face of the earth. This is just a CRAZY time for me - June every year is off the charts busy. I am on a 42 day Paleo challenge with my friends from Crossfit. It is so much better when other people are involved. I am still at 220 exactly. I hope this is the week I break through that number and start the downward decline out of the 200s. My eating is tight. My workouts are intense and I am ready to see some results.

Tonight my Crossfit celebrates 2 years in business. They are booming now. Why? It works! It really, really works. In honor of the anniversary, we are having a Paleo cook out. Should be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to some time to socialize with these folks. They are people who I really enjoy. My only regret with Crossfit is this- I waited so long to try it out!

Sure, every single day I have that, "Oh goodness, what are they going to throw at me? Why did I pay to do this? I'm going to die" feeling...but I don't die - I do it and I move on with my day. I accomplish more mentally and physically before 7 than I ever have before.

Last night I watched a DVR'd episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I love that they follow them for a year, but am still not a fan of the excessive cardio they do. Regardless, I love hearing the trainer talk to them. Last night's makeover recipient was sexually abused. He said, "You need to stop punishing yourself for something that wasn't your fault. That is what you are doing everytime you eat." He also addressed the crap food in the house he kept bringing back in (I tend to do this with one item each shopping trip). He said, "This food created the prison you are now living in. It is the ENEMY. Why would you let it back in your home?" WOW! I do have to say that not having something bad in my house definitely keeps me from eating it.

I will try to get some more pictures up soon!

It Works, It REALLY Works

I cannot tell you how great it feels to see results. Real results. Hardcore results. Like my butt. It used to be a shelf and now there is a soft slope from my back into my butt and from my butt into my thighs. WHAT?! My butt has shrunk so much that my stomach now looks big. Come on body, start taking from the hips and stomach. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

No, really, the changes are amazing. I love Crossfit. It feels like a miracle and that is just because I have amnesia about all the hard work!

If you have a chance to join Crossfit. DO IT! Really do it. Commit long term. You will see changes you won't believe!

Last week

This blog needs to be honest. Last week STUNK diet-wise. I tell you what. I could not control my eating to save my life. I had no idea what was going on. Finally, I stopped and said, "Girl, what is eating at you that is making you eat so much?" I figured it out, took it to the Lord, and now I am lighter and back on track with my healthy eating.

What does 'off track' look like for me? Not good. I had Mexican three times with queso each time. One time I had two beers. I had pizza for lunch one day. I had a sub and chips for lunch one day. I had Coke about four times. If I am drinking Coke, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. I am not a soda drinker. This weight is not from drinking calories. I topped it all off with a day at the movies where I had a whole box of Milk Duds, half of a Butterfinger, half of a sugar cookie, and then went to barbeque where I had two muffins, four ribs, french fries, and cinnamon apples. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm all for grabbing some Mexican once a week, but how in the world does one expect to get fit eating that crap?! By the way, now I don't need to ask, "Why couldn't I sleep and why did I get a migraine on Friday?" Um....who could sleep with all that sugar in their system and what body wouldn't rebel after eating so clean and then getting a dump of toxins.

I got back on track yesterday and I only gained one pound over the week of horror. I didn't tell my trainer how off track I was last week, but I did ask him to join me at the grocery store to make sure I stayed on track. He got my cart loaded up with Paleo goodness and I cleaned all offenders out of my house and we are ready to go. Have I mentioned that I love my trainer. It's serious trainer love. He completes my training. For reals.

Alright..I hope to start posting some new successes on the board. Here we go, AGAIN!

The Sled Drag

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. Instead of driving six white horses, she'll be dragging the sled when she comes! Nothing like action photos to make you realize how much farther you have to go. I definitely feel smaller in my mind than I look (as evidenced in a few photos I just received). Onward and upward.

On a positive note, I just bought a bunch of t-shirts from Old Navy in a large. I wasn't able to wear their regular sizes at all last year. That's an encouragement. I needed cheap t-shirts.

Ok, off to clean a room and grocery shop. Operation Slim Down continues.

STRESS...and food

This last week I have been so up and down with my eating. I am pretty much exactly where I was a week ago. That's fine overall, but I really want to lose weight. I can't do the super tight Paleo. When I do, I start eating huge portions of meat. It's all very strange. So, I have started using my WW tracking software to help control my portions.

I am under a lot of stress right now. My boss changed at work. My workload is exponentially increasing as he comes up with new projects. Finances have been particularly tight. Days packed with emotional memories have surrounded me. It's just a lot to take in and my coping mechanism has always been eating. I am doing 4,000 times better than I would have 5 years ago..but still, there is a small part of me left that says, "I feel so crappy that I just want to have a little joy and ice cream/queso/whatever horrible food for me brings that momentary release."

That's how temptation is, isn't it? For a moment it seems to relieve the pain. There is a moment of joy, but then there are the consequences. A friend of mine says, "Future Chris is not going to like this." If we could just stop in the moment and think through what brings ultimate joy, how much better would we feel physically?

Right now, I really want a margarita (or 5), cheese dip and chips and a big, sloppy burrito. But I won't.

Yea, so...

The first five days of the challenge did no go so well. So, starting over tomorrow. AGGGH! Why this so hard?

Here we go, again!

Otherwise, all is well.

Paleo Challenge: Day 1

Day 1 Stats

Weight: 222 lbs UGH!

Wake-up

Crossfit
Bench Press 5x5 - 85 pounds

WOD (my version)
7 Pull ups
15 Chest Press (20 lb dumbbell)
8 Abmat Sit ups
35 Jump Ropes
100 m sprint
AMRAP 20 minutes - 5 rounds/30 reps

Breakfast
3 eggs
2 strips of Applegate Farms bacon
1 cup of steamed broccoli
1 banana
Probiotic/hormone support/Vitamin D

Lunch
Chicken/sausage/shrimp
2 cups of salad
20 macadamia nuts

Dinner
Protein shake (2 scoops Energy First, 8-12 ounces almond milk, fruit of some kind/ice -1 TBSP Coconut oil)
Broccoli

Paleo Challenge: Day 1

Well, I am going to do it. I want to scream, but I am going to do it. Today is Day 1 of a 30 day Paleo challenge. No cheats. No compromises. I'm still on the fence about dairy but pretty on track with everything else.

We have the pictures below and my starting weight is 222. I'm stuck between 220 and 222. Let's see if we can get out of the 210s in this challenge. Woo hoo! I will be SO happy when the 200s are just a faint memory. Here we go. Will write more on what I eat later.

Pictures

When you are heavy, you don't take pictures. I have no pictures of myself on the day I started Crossfit. I know I should have taken some photos, but I had tried everything before and NOTHING worked. I didn't have a lot of faith it was going to work.

I hoped...but I didn't have this I AM GOING ALL THE WAY feeling that I have today. I am down 33 pounds of fat and have added 3.5 pounds of muscle. I still have about 60 to go. Let's monitor the rest of the journey with pictures, ok?

I'm pretty modest so I'm not going to be in my underwear in these photos. I'll try to catch some in my workout clothes - but they cover more than this outfit! Can you tell where I carry my weight?! LOL!!!

More Progress

Man, my body is really changing. I went to a conference two months ago and had a shirt that caught on my hips. It was supposed to be flowy and hippie...it was just HIPpie. I threw it back in the closet and ignored its existence - until this morning. I thought, "Hmm....maybe it is worth a shot today." It is flowy. No catching. It's not a knit shirt so there is no cheating with this shirt! Woo hoo!

Those moments feel SO good. They feel especially good because I know they are going to keep coming. I used to be so scared that I was going to revert back to my old ways and gain all the weight back. I don't feel that way anymore. I know I am going the distance. It may take me some time - but day by day, month by month, my body is transforming. I now look forward to the passage of time so I can enjoy even more changes.

I am right on the cusp of being squarely in regular sizes (my butt, hips and thighs are the hold outs). For those of you who have always been in regular sizes, you don't get this one. It is torture to be limited to the big ladies section of department stores or the occasional Lane Bryant. Although they have come a long way in styling their clothes, it is isolating and embarassing. Who wants to take their thin friend to the plus-size department? When you do, they pull out mumus and you think, "Wow, I really am that person...the one who could wear a mumu." When you go shopping with them, you just look for them because there is nothing there for you. They feel bad and so they rush and don't really enjoy themselves. Also, there are so many sales to be had and so much more selection when you hit the regular sizes. Oh how excited I am to get there and stay there!

One day at a time, one workout at a time, one meal at a time, one change at a time. We are doing this folks and it feels good. Really good.

Making Progress

My parents visited this weekend. It was the first time I had seen them since Christmas. I have lost a few pounds. They commented that I looked great and was doing so well. However, you can never be 100% sure if they are saying it because they know you are working on it or if they really see a difference.

My Mom and I went shopping - the universal mother/daughter bonding activity. I haven't shopped too much. Last time I went (in January), I wasn't down as much as I thought size-wise and I got discouraged. So, I haven't really pursued shopping lately. Mom wanted to go to Target. If there is one place where the clothes look HORRIBLE on me - it is Target. I wasn't super thrilled but I thought, "What the heck?!" I was shocked that I fit into so many things there now - and they looked good. I wasn't even the largest regular size. Woo hoo!!! We are definitely moving in the right direction!!!

Recently, I bought a new bathing suit. It will make its debut this weekend. If I am daring enough, I will take a picture and post it. AGGGH! Nightmare. Buying the suit itself was a huge step after ten years of avoiding a swimsuit at all costs. It has almost been a year and I want to ROCK a swimsuit, but I'm not there yet. This year I must be content in wearing one and not being embarassed.

I am rocking Crossfit this week. I am still modifying because of my back but putting in full effort and feeling worked over by the time I leave. It's a good feeling! Keep at it, folks. Keep at it! Sustained effort in the same direction over a long period of time will yield results!