My Heart Hurts

Why am I writing all this 'feeling' stuff on my Crossfit journey? Isn't it all about being a tough warrior? For some, sure. For me, it is about reclaiming my life from the clutches of a really nasty eating disorder. There are so many facets to this and a lot of them are mental and emotional. If you don't deal with the internal stuff, the external stuff won't stick - or if it does, it will occupy your heart, mind, and soul in ways it was never meant to do.

My heart hurts today because a dear friend is dying. The cancer is back and it is everywhere. It is devastating to watch a friend slowly slip away while losing her vision, speech, hearing. My heart hurts. Historically, when my heart hurts, I have soothed it by eating. I want to eat that heart cookie. I want to feel the sugar rush through my veins and I want to feel it soothe me. I do not want to feel these emotions. I want to numb them. I want to distance myself from them. I want to forget them...to replace them with other thoughts - of remorse, regret, or guilt.

It has been minute by minute today. Deep breaths. Water. Prayer. Life comes at you hard and fast. To feel the joy, I must feel the pain. I must face and embrace this sorrow - sometimes one minute at a time. My heart hurts today and that's ok. It should.